Not sure how i've managed to pull it off, but i've been a TOP MOMMA for a whole two weeks now!! Keep clicking one me to keep me on the front page (or click on the badge). I'd love to land on the Hall of Fame.

My oldest and dearest friend comes into town tomorrow night and I CAN. NOT. WAIT! I have so much to do to get ready for her arrival though. Between now and then I need to wash the bedding for her bed and then make it, clean the house a bit and go grocery shopping, (we haven't gone in literally WEEKS). While i'm thrilled that she is coming up for the weekend, i'd be lying if i was happy about the reason behind it. You see, my birthday is on Saturday, my 30th birthday, and i'm not looking forward to it one ioata. I swear it was just yesterday that i graduated from high school, how in hell can i possibly be turning THIRTY!!??

Turning 30, also has me looking back on my life and looking forward as well. I thought that i'd be in a totally different place right now. Somehow i went from being a college girl bound and determined to get her degree and become a teacher, to being a college dropout and married at the tender age of 21. Now don't get me wrong, i love that i am a stay at home mom to my kiddos, i wouldn't have it any other way, but all of my hopes and dreams for the future got set aside when i fell in love with a canadian and moved up here to start our lives together. I went from being almost done with my degree, to having to start from scratch. I went from being a preschool teacher with lots of experience under my belt, to not being able to get a job up here. I went from being surrounded with family and friends to feeling secluded.

Starting in September i will have 2 hours, three mornings a week to myself and i have no clue what I am going to do with the time. In 3 yrs all four of my children will be in school full-time, what becomes of me then. I know that i want to be able to see them off in the morning and to be able to greet them when they come home. I can't get a job in my field of daycare because i don't have my two year degree here, even though i've been working in the field for years in the states, and quite frankly i don't think i'd want to anyhow. And by that point in my life i won't have worked in over 12 yrs, that is an incredibly long time.

I think i've lost sight of who i want to be when i grow up, and yet here i am turning 30. I want my kids to see that their mommy was just more then a mommy, that she did things she was interested in and completed things she wanted to do. To this very day i still long to complete my college degree. The problem with that lies in that i don't know what i want to go to school for anymore. All my life i've wanted to be a Kindergarten teacher but after four kids, that no longer draws me the way it used to. I wouldn't mind teaching older kids prehaps though, even then though i'm not sure if its truly my hearts desire anymore. Some of the things i consider doing are photography, midwifery, an L&D nurse or a NICU nurse...but i just don't know It seems like at the age of 33 (when all the kids are in school) that its too late to start most of those careers...but i do want something in my life and i want to show my kids that they can do anything they put their minds to, and i want to keep that promise i made to my father 9 yrs ago now that even though i was moving here to get married, i would finish my college education, because that promise was as much a promise to him as it was to myself.

How do i figure out who or what i want to be, when everything in my life is devoted to my children?